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As author and stress management expert Debbie Mandel tells Bustle, "cool moms" tend to turn against their children the way a toxic friend might turn against you : by creating competition and doing whatever she can to erode your confidence.
If you constantly feel in competition with your mom — instead of loved and supported — this "cool mom" dynamic may be to blame. And the best thing you can do is put up boundaries and create distance , whenever possible.
Your parents should be your rock — people you can turn to when you're feeling down and out. But toxic moms really struggle with this concept, often turning every convo and problem around to make it about themselves.
And, as a result, "every conversation you have with her ends with you feeling guilty, angry, or invisible," licensed psychologist Tanisha M.
This can be highly frustrating, as well as a sign it may be time to turn to other people in your life. As much as you'd like to call your mom, if she can't be there for you when you're in need — without making it all about herself — it may be healthier to talk with a therapist, best friend, or partner instead.
Nothing screams "immature" quite like an inability to apologize. So take note if you're the one who has to say sorry whenever anything goes wrong between you and your mother.
And, remember that this is a trait common to all toxic folks. As Ranger says, "Toxic people, in general, have a lot of difficulty with taking responsibility and accepting the consequences of their own choices and behavior.
There's a big difference between a parent who disapproves of who you're dating, and one who's just trying to drive a wedge between you and your significant other.
The latter is something many toxic moms do as their children get older and start dating, often because they can't stand when the spotlight isn't on them.
If your mom is attempting to undermine your relationship, the best thing you can do is leave her out of it, as much as possible. If it is going to lead to drama, keep her out of the conversation unless its something she will find out — in that case, be kind but assertive.
It takes a pretty mature person to hold a reasonable, level-headed conversation — especially if things are getting heated. So take it as a sure sign of immaturity if your mom can't seem to keep her cool.
Does she avoid conversations about what she does wrong? When you try to tell her how she hurts your feelings, does she lash out or play the victim?
If this perfectly describes the dynamic you have with your mom, it may help to put up some boundaries. Criticism seems to be a go-to for toxic parents.
When you think of someone who's immature, you might think of a young kid who uses manipulation to get their way.
And yet, this is a trait you might notice with your mom, too. This includes ignoring your phone calls to get you to visit them and ensure their safety or neglecting their own personal care.
Everyone's entitled to a minor slip-up or two when they're truly upset. But that doesn't mean it's OK for your mom to lash out over the smallest thing, or to take her frustration out on you.
Manage your emotions, suggests Markham, to help her manage hers. Walk away from you mom and tell her you will return when you have your emotions and responses under control if tempers and volume are escalating, suggests Lehman.
If you are talking on the phone or video conferencing, terminate the conversation with a promise to return when you are calm and able to deal with her.
Suggest that if she continues to yell at you, you will see her less often, talk to her less often on the phone or on video conferencing. Have a plan when you communicate with your mom.
Consult a therapist who can help you learn to manage your responses better, suggests Lehman. Stop the never-ending argument when you know you and Mom will never find common ground.
When you change your responses, hers will have to shift in response. Kathryn Rateliff Barr has taught birth, parenting, vaccinations and alternative medicine classes since She is a pastoral family counselor and has parented birth, step, adopted and foster children.
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